sorry i only like people that i never have a chance with
Hi, I'm Kasandra, Welcome to my blog! Canadian. 16. Valentines baby. <3 Taken. Personal blog with a kiss from nature and a touch of hippie.
My life is on the edge. one day everything is going great, the next i’m dealing with a bunch of crisis’s and worry. it changed so fast and i was not prepared. My brother is suddenly on suicide watch, and my grandpa had a fucking stroke 2 HOURS ago. i used to feel embarrassed of being depressed. thought people would judge me and wouldn’t want to be around me but now, its not things in my head that bring me down, no i overcame that a long time ago and im proud to say it. but now its real fucking life thats crumbling on me. things that i cant control. of coarse no one actually died yet but in both cases with the people i love, there is a possibility that at any moment i may loose them. and i cant even be with either right now. my brother is in another province and my grandparents live 5 hour drive from me. im torn between indenial and freaking out right now. i don’t know how to handle it like my brother. My FUCKING BROTHER the boy who as always a year and 10 months older than me, who was always there for me and protected me when i needed it. he stood up to people who mistreated me and entertained me when i was bored. i fucking miss him. and to think that he is in such a bad mental state that he came close to throwing everything away… it just makes me so sad and scared how at any moment, when im at school or asleep or in the shower, that he could be taking his last breath scares the shit out of me. its always on my mind. teachers expect me to listen to their stupid chem lesson when there are much more real and important things to think about in my life. i stayed up for hours last night sobbing into my pillow thinking about him. i grew up with him. i love him. then all of a fucking sudden as my mom was on the phone with my aunt talking about my brother, my aunt had to hang up because my grandpa had a fucking stroke and had to be taken to the hospital. i dont know whats going on with him, i feel guilty since i haven’t gone to visit them in so long. i dont want to lose him since we were actually close and it will affect my grandma in ways that worry me. i dont know how to handle this. all at once. i went for a run when i heard about my grandpa and i ran until my lungs felt like they were going to explode. i just didn’t want to lock myself in my room, i needed a distraction. i dont know how to make myself feel better. i just want to feel something that brings me back to reality. back to last week when everything was good and the most i had to worry about was what time my friends were done working so we could make plans. i dont want to smoke weed since i feel it will make me even more anxious and depressed, which is why i save it for when i’m in a good mood. i obv dont wanna drink, but feeling like this is so uhg. i dont know how to feel better and deal with everything. anyone in my scenario would find a way to cope, and i need to do the same but i dont know how. i feel like cutting again. thats the only thing i can think of or consider. yet i dont have any blades or anything anymore and i’m better than that but idk what to do.
Sorry for spamming your dash. i just needed to vent.
i honestly doubt anyone will take the time to read this but whatever. at least i let it out.